CONVERGENCE
what i am starting to experience is the ability to experience two very distinct aspects of consciousness
one is what i label as the divine masculine – the stillness that underlies everything, presence… the realm of consciousness that exists in parallel to ordinary reality. it is a wonderful vibration, a wonderful energy to experience, because it feels so peaceful, while at the same time being a container of love for eveything else in the universe to unfold in…
the other is what i experience as the divine feminine energy, which is completely different. i experience different aspects to it, different flavours at different times. sometimes it feels like this all-encompassing mother energy, compassionate and flowing, like loving arms around me. at other times it feels sensual and passionate. and at other times, like right now, it feels like RAW POWER flowing through me. it feels almost uncontainable.
so many spiritual traditions and paths have focused solely on the masculine aspect of consciousness. but this is lopsided and out of balance. it’s only when the masculine and the feminine come together that true healing and shift occurs. otherwise you just go around in circles… it’s when the two polarities intermingle that transformation happens.
presence is an amazing container for passion to unfold in… when a man is able to connect with deep presence, then a woman will feel safe enough to truly feel and express her passion – whether in the boardroom or the bedroom.
similarly, when a woman is able to express her passion, to fully embody her creativity, whether as a mother, an artist or a lover, then her being in that state will automatically take a man to a place of stillness, of presence.
ultimately both pathways lead to the same place… to the dissolution of the ego… a state where we are in total alignment with divine purpose, so much so that we know exactly what we need to do in any given moment, and we just get on and do it. it’s a place where there is no separation – we are part of the world, of divine oneness, rather than living our lives behind a veil…
but the masculine can’t get there without the feminine, and the feminine can’t get there without the masculine. pretty much every major spiritual and religious tradition in the world has been almost exclusively focused on the masculine polarity – of finding stillness, heaven, nirvana… and there is no mention of the feminine polarity, of passion and creativity, of feeling our feelings, opening our hearts and flowing with life… the feminine aspect of consciousness has been completely dismissed for 6000 years.
and that is why the world is so stuck.
blessed be
Add a comment 25/05/2010
THE INSANITY OF SPIRITUAL DOGMA
what really pisses me off in this whole discussion is people – most often men – who are emotionally repressed, and who then justify this repression with spiritual ideas.
what i was taught by buddhist teachers early on in my spiritual journey was that the way to deal with emotions was to simply observe them falling away.
man i tried. i did hours and hours of meditation – two and a half hours a day, every day, for at least two years. at the end of it i thought that all my shit with my family would have dissolved. in reality, it was worse than ever. by sitting there observing my emotions for two years, that’s all i had done: observe them. nothing had actually shifted. all the repressed pain was still stuck in my belly.
the thousands of hours of meditation had done nothing – zilch – to clear the repressed emotions in my body.
personally i then went looking for another way, and stepped full-on into the world of therapy…
i’m not suggesting that buddhist meditation doesn’t have value. of course it does, in terms of connecting us with presence, with the stillness that underlies everything. but it doesn’t help deal with repressed emotions. on the contrary…
what angers me the most is people who do years of meditation and are completely emotionally dissociated, but justify it with spiritual dogma.
they usually have no awareness that they are emotionally shut down – on the contrary, they think that they are highly evolved because they are not affected by their emotions.
when in fact they are in denial of their emotional reality and deeply repressed (and probably depressed as well).
if they have a partner, especially an emotionally open one, they are then likely to look down on them for feeling and expressing their emotions, and see them as being ‘less spiritually evolved’ because they are emotional…
what i have witnessed many times is so called spiritual men looking down their noses at their emotionally open partners, shaming them for being ‘over-emotional’…. while the poor women are in total crisis – desperately unhappy and deeply frustrated because they CAN’T ACTUALLY CONNECT WITH THEIR PARTNERS.
if you’re not emotionally open then intimacy isn’t possible – the energetic channels aren’t open.
if a person isn’t deeply connected with themselves – and someone who is emotionally repressed clearly isn’t – then it isn’t possible to connect deeply with someone else.
perhaps the most abusive aspect of this scenario is that sooner or later the woman will start to feel and express her partner’s emotional pain – all the stuck repressed feelings that he is refusing to acknowledge even exist.
emotions are like water… they find the path of least resistance, and will flow wherever they can. so when one half of a couple refuses to feel and express his feelings, the other partner – if she is emotionally open – will end up expressing both her own and his emotions.
so then not only will she be doing his work for him – feeling and expressing all the feelings that he is adamant aren’t there – but he will often then shame her even more for being ‘so emotional’, and justify that shaming with spiritual dogma.
by this point the woman will start to feel completely insane – channelling both her own feelings and his, being disdained and humiliated for being judged as emotional, and deeply confused… especially when it’s all backed up with spiritual teachings.
if you are in a relationship with such a man, i suggest that you pray to kali and ask her to sort him out!
ultimately, this isn’t about men and women – it’s about the masculine and feminine. i have known couples where it is the man who is emotionally open and his female partner who refuses to acknowledge and feel her emotions.
i thnk systems like buddhism might suit cultures where people aren’t emotionally repressed. but in countries like the uk the dogma gets rolled out to justify horrible emotional abuse.
and no one is even aware of it most of the time. the men involved have no idea of the emotional devastation they are causing… and the women just feel like they are going crazy but have no idea why.
you can’t just observe emotions away. observing is very powerful. but you have to observe and feel the emotions simultaneously. otherwise the stuck energy stays stuck in the body. forever.
Add a comment 14/05/2010
Tags: emotional repression, feminine spirituality, mediation, meditation
CHANGING BELIEFS – DIFFERENT APPROACHES
a good example of how the masculine and feminine pathways are different is the process of changing limiting beliefs.
most of us in the west have terrible limiting beliefs at our core which debilitate our lives. some common ones are: i’m not lovable, i’m unworthy, i’m fundamentally bad… these beliefs literally create our reality, and while they exist in our unconscious – or even conscious – minds, it’s very hard to live a satisfying joyful life.
a person who believes, deep down, that they are unlovable, will sabotage love whenever it comes their way. from an egoic perspective, it’s more important to be right than to be loved. and so we keep on trashing love when it comes our way… simply because it doesn’t fit with our core belief.
it’s therefore very clear that examining and then clearing these negative core beliefs is essential, if a person is ever to be loved, loving, happy, fulfilled…
the question is: how to do it?
i have tried numerous different systems over the past 20 years, and actually the only thing that works – for me – is to move through the painful emotions which keep the belief locked in place. because the belief originally formed in response to a painful situation that was wrongly interpreted. for example, a parent is negligent towards her child, and the child is then likely to form the belief that she’s unlovable.
the pain of her needs being regularly unmet is so great that she can’t possibly bear to feel it at the time – it’s agony – way too much for her undeveloped psyche. so instead she creates the belief that she’s unlovable, in order to make sense of the situation… the pain gets shoved into an obscure corner of the psyche, out of the way, and she can at least get on with her life.
but until that pain is released, the belief that she is unlovable will remain.
and once that pain – or stuck energy – is dissolved, then the belief just falls apart.
this has been my experience anyway, and EFT does precisely this in a relatively quick and agony-free way, which is why i am such a fan.
a male friend of mine, however, changes his beliefs by using his mind to challenge the situation: was i unlovable as a child? or was it that my mother was too busy to meet my needs?
he then makes a new decision, forms a new belief in his mind, which he might back up with affirmations, stating over and over again ‘i am lovable’.
for me though, this feels potentially exhausting… a lifetime of repeating affirmations. i mean, it’s never-ending… and if a parent was never there for us, then the neural pathways telling me i’m unlovable are very heavy duty… i’m not even convinced that a hundred affirmations a day for a hundred days would do the trick.
perhaps they would, but to me it feels so much quicker, to burn through the emotional pain once and for all, and then the hideous belief is gone forever… and underneath the beautiful shiny truth emerges, which is that i am truly lovable.
but i appreciate that for the masculine psyche, which whether through nature or nurture is less comfortable with emotional release, the pathway of the mind – challenging the truth and stating a new belief – feels preferable. and perhaps affirmations work better for a masculine mind…
personally, the way i clear limiting beliefs is using EFT and moving through the feelings… and then the beliefs just fall away, like overcooked meat from a bone.
i think that embracing emotions is an important aspect of the feminine path to egolessness. because emotions keep beliefs locked in place. and actually, the ego is just a bunch of beliefs. so if you release all the stuck old beliefs… the ego crumbles.
and yet we are told by numerous spiritual teachers that working with the emotions is a distraction. i don’t think so.
Add a comment 14/05/2010
Tags: changing beliefs, EFT
ULTIMATELY…
ultimately, there is no masculine and feminine, there is no yin and yang, there is no polarity… there is only consciousness. but while the universe exists, then the two polarities also exist: presence, which is the stillness that underlies everything, and energy, which is what the universe – including us - is made up of.
energy is physical matter, emotions, thoughts, ideas, passion, creativity, intuition… while presence is the void, the emptiness, the stillness that underlies everything. and both are vital aspects of consciousness…
when the whole of humanity has dissolved its collective ego, will the universe cease to exist altogether, because it is no longer needed as a playground to evolve in? or will we live in harmony with the earth totally aligned with the divine, egoless and constantly following our intuition but still very much present in our bodies?
it’s a very interesting enquiry. i even wonder whether the answer is: both. perhaps the universe will still exist, but without the same heaviness, without people actually believing in its physical realness, as we do now.
what i absolutely do believe though is that the whole of humanity is on a trajectory towards egolessness… towards identifying with the collective psyche of the universe rather than our own individual separate selves.
and that all the major spiritual traditions of the world have taught us to do this through our minds, through prayer, meditation, contemplation… but that these traditional spiritual pathways don’t fit the feminine psyche… for the feminine the pathway to evolution is through the emotions, through creativity and passion.
and then the breakdown of the ego happens when the masculine and the feminine come together, within each of us, and with each other…
Add a comment 14/05/2010
Tags: 2012, divine feminine, passion, presence
FEMININE POWER
when i look around me at the women who are lighting up the world, they are the ones who are being a force of passion in the world…
they are not the ones sitting on meditation cushions for decades… although i have experienced women who dedicate themselves to the traditional spiritual paths, i don’t find them inspiring. i find them joyless and worthy and dry… the opposite of juicy… and when i followed this path myself i found it made me phoney, super ‘nice’, and kept me living from my neck upwards.
most of the women i know who are finding their power are not doing so by following traditional spiritual pathways. they are doing so by listening to their hearts, expressing their creativity and living their passion.
AND YET THIS IS LOOKED DOWN ON BY SO-CALLED SPIRITUAL PEOPLE. EXPRESSING OUR LOVE THROUGH OUR CREATIVITY IS SEEN AS LESS SPIRITUAL THAN SPENDING ONE’S LIFE MEDITATING. TO ME THOUGH, BEING CREATIVE IN THE WORLD IS NO LESS SPIRITUAL THAN SITTING ON A MEDITATION CUSHION.
i think we both need both: we need a balance between focusing on the stillness and expressing our creativity.
within the spiritual world – and i am talking about the majority of religions and spiritual traditions – the masculine path of reaching enlightenment or heaven through the mind is seen as superior to the feminine path of awakening through creativity and love. in fact the feminine path of expressing passion isn’t regarded as a spiritual path at all.
IT’S LEFT WOMEN EXTREMELY CONFUSED… WHAT FEELS POWERFUL AND ALIVE, FOR THE FEMININE, IS EXPRESSING OUR PASSION, AND YET WE’RE TOLD THAT THIS IS LESS SPIRITUAL THAN SITTING ON A MEDIATION CUSHION FOR YEARS OR LISTENING TO SOME TEDIOUS GURU TELLING US WHAT TO DO…
AND WE’VE MOSTLY ALL FALLEN FOR IT… MEN AND WOMEN, THE MASCULINE AND THE FEMININE… WE HAVE ALL MEEKLY ACCEPTED THAT THE TRADITIONAL SPIRITUAL PERSPECTIVE IS THE ONLY ONE THAT’S VALID… EVEN THOUGH IT DOESN’T MAKE WOMEN SHINE.
i think a lot of women switch off to the whole idea of spirituality, other than in a very personal and quite vague way, because what’s on offer doesn’t work for them… but there isn’t anything else on offer… apart from shamanism, tantra and wicca, all the major spiritual paths are focused on enlightenment, heaven or nirvana… they are focused on the masculine aspect of consciousness… and passion, which is what fires up the feminine, is completely sidelined.
EXPRESSING OUR PASSION IS, FOR THE FEMININE, THE PATHWAY TO AWAKENING…
and this is what the goddess is doing now… showing up in our lives… showing us the pathway for the feminine… and that the way to find our power isn’t by copying men, but by reconnecting with HER and with our PASSION.
Add a comment 13/05/2010
Tags: awakening, divine feminine, meditation, passion
DIFFERENT PATHWAYS…
when i look around me at the women who are lighting up the world, they are the ones who are being a force of passion in the world…
they are not the ones sitting on meditation cushions for decades… although i have experienced women who dedicate themselves to the traditional spiritual paths, i don’t find them inspiring. i find them joyless and worthy and dry… the opposite of juicy… and when i followed this path myself i found it made me phoney, super ‘nice’, and kept me living from my neck upwards.
most of the women i know who are finding their power are not doing so by following traditional spiritual pathways. they are doing so by listening to their hearts, expressing their creativity and living their passion.
AND YET THIS IS LOOKED DOWN ON BY SO-CALLED SPIRITUAL PEOPLE. EXPRESSING OUR LOVE THROUGH OUR CREATIVITY IS SEEN AS LESS SPIRITUAL THAN SPENDING ONE’S LIFE MEDITATING. TO ME THOUGH, BEING CREATIVE IN THE WORLD IS NO LESS SPIRITUAL THAN SITTING ON A MEDITATION CUSHION.
i think we both need both: we need a balance between focusing on the stillness and expressing our creativity.
within the spiritual world – and i am talking about the majority of religions and spiritual traditions – the masculine path of reaching enlightenment or heaven through the mind is seen as superior to the feminine path of awakening through creativity and love. in fact the feminine path of expressing passion isn’t regarded as a spiritual path at all.
IT’S LEFT WOMEN EXTREMELY CONFUSED… BECAUSE FOR WOMEN WHO ARE CALLED TO FOCUS ON THEIR SPIRITUAL EVOLUTION THEY ARE FACED WITH EITHER FOLLOWING A TRADITIONAL MASCULINE PATH, WHICH DOESN’T REALLY WORK FOR THEM… OR ELSE RECONNECTIGN WITH THEIR FEELINGS, THEIR PASSION AND CREATIVITY, BUT BEING TOLD THAT THIS ISN’T REALLY SPIRITUAL…
i know so many women who set off on a spiritual journey, only to abandon it after a decade or so, because they tried all the different flavours of spirituality around, and none of them really suited them. and so, like me, they have retreated into creativity and therapy, but without much understanding of the process or a clear spiritual pathway. most of them feel, as i did for years, stuck, in terms of their spiritual evolution.
i think a lot of women switch off to the whole idea of spirituality, other than in a very personal and quite vague way, because what’s on offer doesn’t work for them… but there isn’t anything else on offer… other than shamanism, tantra and wicca, all the major spiritual paths are focused on enlightenment, heaven or nirvana…
they are focused on the masculine pathway to evolution and the masculine aspect of consciousness as a destination… while creativity and expressing our hearts, which is what fires up the feminine, is completely sidelined and dismissed as a ‘path’, and the feminine aspect of consciousness – energy or passion – is similarly denigrated.
EXPRESSING OUR PASSION IS, FOR THE FEMININE, THE PATHWAY TO AWAKENING…
and this is what the goddess is doing now… showing up in our lives… showing us the pathway for the feminine… and that the way to find our power isn’t by copying men, but by reconnecting with HER and with our PASSION.
Add a comment 13/05/2010
Tags: consciousness, divine feminine, passion, presence
YIN/YANG
what i am discovering, through my singing, is that there is another aspect of consciousness… the divine feminine. and she is also rapidly re-emerging on the planet right now.
what eckhart tolle teaches is that all true creativity emerges from the formless realm. he says that when you are identified – even partially – with this aspect of consciousness, then the most amazing creative acts emerge.
what i am finding with my singing is that this is the case.
when i focus my awareness, as far as possible, on the fomless realm, and let go of what my singing sounds like, then my voice starts to open. it’s like being with a really really conscious man… i feel seen and heard… and start feeling beautiful and open and divinely lovely.
and the more i can focus my awareness on the formless realm, the stillness that underlies everything, the more the feminine in me emerges: my voice becomes stronger, more powerful and more open. it starts to soar.
i see this as accessing yin through yang… i put my awareness on yang, the masculine aspect of consciousness, and yin, the feminine emerges.
and for several months this is what i did with my singing. i focused as much of my awareness as possible with presence, with the formless realm. and my voice got stronger and stronger.
however, at some point something else happened – the feminine started to show up all on her own… without any need for me to focus on pure consciousness.
i found that my voice dropped… that i was starting to sing from my belly rather than my chest. and i found that my awareness was drawn deep into my belly, into the experience of singing, as opposed being focused on presence.
and then something else happened. my voice went all gorgeous and velvety, and i just couldn’t get enough of it… i didn’t want to ever do anything else in my life other than sing…
and although it had felt amazing to feel held by presence, by the divine masculine energy… i have to say that this was even better. this was like true passion emerging, in a way that i have never experienced before.
IT FELT LIKE THE GODDESS HERSELF WAS SHOWING UP.
and i found that by staying with that process, that presence then emerged in my voice.
and so i think this is what the ancient yin and yang symbol might be referring to: that by focusing on the divine masculine aspect of consciousness – presence – the divine feminine then emerges. and, similarly, by focusing on the divine feminine aspect of consciousness – passion – the divine masculine the emerges.
what has happened though, in both western and eastern culture, is that the masculine aspect of consciousness is seen as the ultimate goal, the true destination of any spiritual seeker… while the feminine has been completely disregarded, to the point of being completely dismissed as irrelevant.
the feminine aspect of spirituality – energy or passion – has been denigrated and desecrated. it has been annihilated.
and yet when you think about it, it’s absurd to suggest that creativity or passion is less important than presence (or heaven or nirvana) – the entire universe is infinitely creative. and when we align ourselves with creativity we are aligning ourselves with the universe.
i believe that consciousness consists of passion and presence, of creativity and stillness, of the masculine and the feminine, of yin and yang. and life is a dance between these two energies, a bit like two strands of dna, forever entwined.
Add a comment 13/05/2010
Tags: creativity, divine feminine, passion, presence, yang, yin
GATE GATE
before moving on to describe the re-emergence of the feminine, i want to say a little more about presence.
one of my favourite mantras starts ‘gate gate…’ (pronounced ‘gatay gatay’, rather than the less romantic sounding ‘gate’!) which means ‘gone, gone gone to the farthest shore…’
it’s referring to the kind of spiritual awakening that the indian mystic ramana maharshi had. he reached a point where he was no longer identified with being an individual self at all, and was totally identified with presence. he was no longer a separate individual – he was identified with the stillness that underlies everything.
and eckhart himself spent a couple of year ‘gate gate’, sitting on a park bench contemplating consciousness.
in a lot of spiritual traditions, this is seen as the ultimate goal – to be ‘gone gone, gone… gone to the farthest shore’.
in christianity the ultimate experience is to get to heaven… in buddhism, it’s enlightenment… in islam, paradise… in hinduism it’s called nirvana.
but i think that all of them are referring to the state of consciousness achieved by ramana maharshi… pure awareness, no-thingness, the stillness that underlies everything, presence…
and that this exemplifies the way in which the masculine perspective has – along with pretty much everything else on the planet – hijacked spirituality.
there is no doubt that presence is truly wonderful. it puts everything in perspective. it makes you feel at peace. it creates a container for the rest of life to unfold in… it’s bliss, essentially. better than heroin (quite similar actually… from my experience, although i only took heroin once and promised myself i’d never do it again).
but i think that this blissful state of no-thingness, of presence, is only half of the fulfilment of the 2012 prophecies…
but i think there is more…
Add a comment 13/05/2010
Tags: 2012, divine feminine, presence, ramana maharshi
THE QUIET JOY OF BEING ALIVE
what opened me to the experience of presence was a combination of things… i have done a lot of inner work – therapy and spiritual practice – for twenty years.
what then blew more of the cobweb from my energetic pathways was working with the shaman peter aziz… and over a period of a year and a half i started to have access to spirit in lots of different ways… it was like all these different pathways to spirit suddenly opened up and i had a myriad of extraordinary experiences and synchronicities.
one day i was walking up my local high street and i slipped into what i labelled as ‘the quiet joy of being alive’. i stopped focusing on the chuntering of my mind and instead became identified with a very simple and quiet feeling of vibrancy in my body, of aliveness.
what then helped me to understand the shift was listening and reading various spiritual teachers such as eckhart tolle, jan frazier and the women featured in the book ‘ordinary women, extraordinary wisdom’. i found that i wasn’t alone… and they gave me a language to describe some of what i was experiencing.
they describe this realm as presence, the formless dimension or the stillness that underlies everything. it was wonderful to have some other people write and talk about what was rapidly becoming the most important thing in my life. and the more i read about it, the more i opened up to this dimension.
having experienced this other dimension of consciousness, it seemed to me that this must be what all the prophecies about 2012 must be talking about.
and i absolutely believe this. but i think there is something else going on as well… at the same time as this new awareness of presence is emerging, simultaneously the goddess is re-emerging as well… presence is like the masculine aspect of consciousness, but passion is the feminine…
Add a comment 26/04/2010
THE TWO REALMS
in the first post i wrote for this blog, entitled ‘what exactly does it mean though?’ i described my experience of presence. i’ll describe it again because i love talking about it – the more i focus on it the more i am aware of it.
i have opened spiritually with the help of all sorts of teachers, but recently it has been especially listening to eckhart tolle that my awareness of the realm of presence has been strengthened. he has also given me a language to describe what i have been experiencing.
Presence is like a dimension of consciousness that exists in parallel with our normal reality. the normal reality of most people is the world of form – by form i mean thoughts and feelings as well as the physical reality. most of us are busy with our thoughts, lost in our minds and our emotions most of the time. we are so identified with this way of operating in the world that we have no idea that another realm exists, just below the surface of our chuntering minds.
animals and some tribal people – so-called less civilised people – have full access to this other realm. they are not listening to their minds going on and on about what he said to me and i said to him, and what i wish i’d said to him at the time…
but strangely, suddenly, at this extraordinary time of awakening… two years before 2012, more and more people are now starting to experience this other level of reality, of presence or stillness.
some people access it through creativity or being in nature: making art or music, gardening or just going for a walk… it’s like normal consciousness slips away and you suddenly have an awareness of a timeless dimension.
all the things churning around in your mind suddenly falls away and you’re blessed with a sense of stillness, of peacefulness, of all being well in the world.
it’s also possible to access this realm through meditation… there are lots of different techniques.
and often this realm opens up to people by listening or reading the words of a teacher who already has a significant part of their awareness identified with this dimension already, such as eckhart tolle.
Add a comment 26/04/2010
Tags: 2012, eckhart tolle, presence, stillness
POST POST TRAUMATIC STRESS ECSTASY
for the first time in my life i am starting to feel like i really am a person.
i have a body.
i exist.
i am real.
this is the most alive i have ever felt in my life. i can feel this aliveness in every cell in my body and it’s better than any of the amazing spiritual experiences i have had over the past 20 years. maybe it’s just differnet, but if i had to choose between this feeling of aliveness now and the more spiritual experiences i have had… i would choose this any day.
i feel powerful and vital and like i am really here. and i feel hopeful that i can actually have something nice in my life, that i can actually manifest my dreams…
i am aware that what i am saying might sound antithetical to much of what is said about the awakening of consciousness, since the whole essence of awakening is the realisation that we don’t actually exist as separate human beings… we just think that we do, because we are identified with our minds. and so me saying ‘oh my god, for the first time in my life i actually feel like a real person’ might sound like the opposite to awakening.
however, the more pain and trauma there is in my body, the more i am lost in my mind… and the more i clear this pain and trauma, the more i can live in my body… and in this way i am increasingly able to let go of my chattering mind and to simply be a part of all that is.
as for having dreams… again this might seem antithetical to some traditions of awakening. but eckhart himself said, it is not the destiny for all of us to spend two years sitting on a park bench contemplating consciousness…
i think what is important is that our dreams come out of being connected with source, rather than from our individual egos. but we are meant to be creative… the whole universe is supremely creative and as manifestations of the universe, how can we not be?
we are all tiny fragments of this divine creativity
blessed be
25th january 2010
Add a comment 16/02/2010
GRIEVING
after i had released most of the feelings and beliefs to do with being groped by my father i went for a walk. i don’t have a car at the moment and so i was limited to walking close to my home, on the edges of town. it was embaressing because a lot of sadness came up – grief about all that i have lost.
i have suffered terribly because of this event. i have been repeatedly groped in my adult life, because our beliefs create our reality… and that’s what i expected to happen and what i believed i deserved. and on some level what i have needed, in order to feel and heal the pain.
but i am now in my 40s and i feel sad and cheated that my physical beauty is starting to fade before i have even experienced it.
on top of this is the terrible pain that my father doesn’t care about what happened or how it affected me. i appreciate that deep down he is probably devastated, and just cannot access the feelings, but it hurts that he refuses to accept that his actions had any significant effect on me.
walking alongside some playing fields this afternoon, i was suddenly overcome with the pain of it all. i kept wretching and was almost physically sick. and then i started to wail. i just couldn’t help myself. i think some people heard but they ignored me. the wailing didn’t go on for long… just a few minutes. i find it helps me enomously, expressing my feelings in this way. it clears my energetic system, and suddenly i can see clearly again.
and after the wailing i had this realisation: my father might not love me, but the whole universe does. and i could feel that love pouring into me from whatever i focused on. i could feel it pulsing up through my feet, from the trees that surrounded me and even from the people walking around. i have to let go of wanting love from my family of origin, and instead switch my attention to the fact that i am deeply loved by the whole universe. perhaps this is the essence of growing up.
and then i had another realisation. which is that our pain is our fuel for transformation. eckhart says this often: ‘those of you with heavy pain bodies – you are lucky. you are so desperate for liberation that there is more chance of you awakening in this lifetime.’
i see the pathway to awakening slightly differently from him, but the destination is the same.
last night, after this healing, i slept for 12 hours. it’s rare that i get more than about six hour’s sleep so this felt amazing.
and today i feel like i am actually inhabiting my body, for the first time ever. as i walked over to my studio, i can actually feel my legs, my whole body. i am finally here. i have finally landed in my body.
imagine how i will feel in a few months when i have released even more trauma!!!
blessed be
25th january 2010
Add a comment 16/02/2010
HEALING TRAUMA
i have had such amazing success over the past few weeks using EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) to dissolve the debilitating beliefs which have kept me imprisoned all my life that i decided to try using it on my unresolved trauma. on the website www.emofree.com there is an inspiring video presentation of using EFT with war veterans to heal post traumatic stress disorder (trauma, essentially).
i began in the middle of the night on saturday, because i couldn’t sleep, and by noon the next day i had cracked it. i can confidently say that i have now largely defused the bomb of being groped by my father…
doing EFT (tapping on the endpoints of meridians) while focusing on the memory, unlocked my nervous system and allowed me to gradually unpack the raft of painful feelings and beliefs that have debilitated me all my life.
here is the list of feelings and beliefs that i released:
guilty
my body isn’t my own
ashamed
grubby
ruined
damaged
unsafe
there are no boundaries
i am good for nothing
i can’t trust myself
i can’t trust my father
i can’t trust life
i am unsafe
no one cares about me
terrified
totally alone
shattered
my sexuality is bad
i deserve to be trashed
it’s not safe to be attractive
my mother will kill me
i’m a write off
my life is over – i’m just marking time now until i die
panic
hatred
rage
i am worthless
i’m disgusting
no one will want me now
i might as well give up
i can’t trust men
i am unworthy of respect
terrified of sex
in shock
this is a death sentence
no one must ever find out or i will be punished for all eternity
men are disgusting
hysterical about my life being ruined
what happened doesn’t matter because it’s only me that got hurt, and i don’t matter
i mustn’t complain about it because it will upset my father, and his needs are far more important than mine. it doesn’t matter than my womanhood and sexuality have been wrecked – all that matters is his needs
he owns me
i can’t get away
i have no right to say no
resignation
my mother will kill me
i have been sacrificed
sad that my relationship with my father is effectively over
hatred
re-reading these a day later, the one that stands out the most is: ‘my life is over – from now on i am just marking time until i die’. and i think this epitomises the devastation of trauma. it’s a feeling of pointlessness and hopelessness – like your life is over. which is precisely what the ‘freezing’ mechanism is designed to do – to put the body in a frozen state to help you cope with impending death.
i realise it’s controversial putting such painful stuff on the internet, but i want people who haven’t been sexually abused to understand why it is so devastating… and i want people who have been sexually abused to know that i for one have found this relatively simple and painless tecnique has succeeded in clearing the truckload of shame and pain that was dumped on me.
you need to read the EFT manual a few times to understand the subtleties of the technique, but it’s worth it!
blessed be
january 25th 2010
Add a comment 16/02/2010
WHAT IS TRAUMA?
it wasn’t that bad, what happened to me. it was around the time of my sixteenth birthday. and alongside the murderous emotional (and sometimes physical) violence from my mother and my brother, being groped by my father has always seemed relatively unimportant.
besides which i simply haven’t known how to heal it. i’ve done decades of therapy, and that hasn’t touched it. and i’ve done all manner of workshops, including tantra, and that similarly hasn’t helped.
but as i clear out my pain, what remains comes more into focus. plus i am also now doing therapy with my father – we had our fourth session last week – and so the unresolved hurt between us is very present in my life right now.
what i am finding as painful as the event itself is his denial. he says he can’t remember it happening and – even if it did – he doesn’t understand what i am making such a fuss about. to him, what is the big deal? it happened decades ago. why does it still have to affect me now?
part of the answer, for me, is trauma.
from a technical perspective, trauma isn’t just something bad happening. trauma is a very specific physiological response to danger. most people are taught that when a person – or animal – is threatened, they go into either a fight or flight response. however, what is far less well known is that a third option sometimes occurs. and that third option is freezing.
peter levine explains this process very articulately in his book ‘waking the tiger’. he describes how an antelope, chased by a cheetah, can neither outrun the cheetah nor fight her. and so the antelope’s nervous system freezes, in order that the pain of being killed will be less keenly felt.
if the cheetah then becomes distracted, and the antelope gets away, then he will automatically shake off the frozenness so that his nervous system reverts to normal.
precisely the same freezing mechanism occurs in humans – when we cannot fight or run away from a serious threat our nervous system shuts down. however, because we are so locked in our minds, we have lost the ability to recalibrate our systems – to unfreeze.
trauma is this frozeness, and it can last for decades, wreaking all manner of havoc in our lives such as panic attacks, dissociation, insomnia, addictions, helplessness, violence and an inability to bond with others or get on with our lives.
levine offers strategies for unfreezing, but personally i found his techniques quite hard to follow on my own, because i was so triggered. plus i think they are more suited to specific traumatic events, as opposed to what i have, which is complex trauma.
complex trauma is when the cause isn’t one or more specific events, but is rather a whole raft of traumatic experiences which together create a compacted iceberg of frozenness. as a child i lived in a state of pretty much constant terror of my mother and my brother, always braced against the next onslaught. being molested by my father just added to the frozenness that was already there.
what made the event with my father worse was my mother’s involvement. she was in the room next door at the time, and i was afraid that if she found out she would kill me. it might sound crazy, but my psyche had developed in response to a mother who i felt regularly annihilated by.
so when my father got out of control, i didn’t dare shout at him in case my mother heard. i was far more afraid of her killing me than him raping me. i managed to shove him away physically, and so – apparently – no major damage was done. and yet the event has crippled me in many ways, destroying any pride i had in my emerging womanhood, leaving me feeling worthless and desecrating my sexuality.
tragically it also destroyed my beauty. i had grown up feeling hideous, because my mother kept my hair painfully short – she was intensely jealous of me and didn’t want me to look pretty. in my childish mind, i equated beauty with long hair, and i remember looking in the mirror around the age of seven and feeling devastated because i was so ugly.
it wasn’t until i was fifteen that i dared to defy my mother and grow my hair. and it was when i was nearly sixteen, coming home from boarding school for half term, that i finally could look in the mirror without wincing. i didn’t think i looked good, but for the first time ever i wasn’t deeply ashamed of the way i looked.
that was the moment that my father pounced. and so the message that was indelibly burned in my psyche was: it’s not safe to be attractive. and so from that moment on i killed off my beauty. i never felt attractive again. not until over two decades and years of therapy later.
and although i had partially recovered from the situation, the underlying trauma has never gone away.
blessed be
january 25th 2010
Add a comment 04/02/2010
SOFTENING…
i just had the most wonderful experience with my counsellor. as i walked away i could feel the energy of the earth holding me, nourishing me… a layer of my defences has dissolved.
for a while now i have been able to feel the energy of the earth through my feet… but this is different, much softer. now i can not only feel the energy of the earth holding me, but i can actually feel the earth’s love for me, through my boots! i feel deeply nurtured from this. and i suspect that some indiginous people live like this all the time.
it was my sixth session with this guy. a couple of times on previous occasions i have felt cut down to size by him. criticised. and although he apologised afterwards, i had had enough and was thinking of leaving.
today i was talking about how i feel like part of my calling is to change the world, not by doing anything… but just by being true to myself.
he responded to this rather snippily saying ‘you feel your job is to call the whole world to account, where they are out of integrity.’
i refused to answer because i felt unsafe. i felt judged. and misunderstood. because that isn’t what i meant at all. what i meant was that if i am absolutely true to myself then that will automatically force other people to be true to themselves… or else walk away.
and at that point he capitulated. he owned up to feeling threatened by how much i see and feel, and that he is constantly on the defensive with me. i can’t remember his exact words, but the essence was that he couldn’t hide behind the role of counsellor with me – he had to be straight with me and found that very challenging.
but he succeeded. from that point on in the session he was absolutely straight with me, and i thoroughly appreciated it. i felt seen, heard, honoured and respected. i have ached for this all my life.
something softened in me. and i walked away feeling open and soft, and sensing the wonderful gentle nurturing of the earth… it makes me feel like that there is actually space for me in the world, that i can risk being myself…
because most of my life when i have spoken my truth i have felt shot down in flames and told i was wrong. for most of my life i have felt mad.
but today i feel respected and peaceful and in my power.
blessed be
thursday 22nd january
Add a comment 03/02/2010
EMBRACING FALLOUT
every six months or so my life falls apart. it’s one of my worst patterns. the support network that i have worked so hard to create disintegrates, the project i am working on turns to dust and my best friend/lover suddenly dumps me. usually all three happen at once, and i am left hanging onto life by the only anchor i have – my spirituality.
obviously, each time it happens i ask myself: why am i manifesting this? and one possible answer is that i am holding on too tight to the support network/project/loved one. and there is certainly some truth in that.
but this morning i had a whiff of the next impending disaster, and i am clear that attachment isn’t the main issue… or at least it’s not the whole picture anyway.
i create devastation in my life because deep down i still feel utterly devastated inside.
i believe that my soul is firmly in charge of my life, and my soul knows that what i need the most is to clear these remaining feelings of devastation. and so i keep on creating disaster in order to give myself the opportunity to do this – to feel and heal the pain of fallout in the past.
in this incarnation, the pain is a hangover from my childhood: growing up with emotional abandonment, abuse and physical violence. it’s been so overwhelming that in spite of 20 years of almost wall-to-wall therapy and workshops… i still feel deeply hurt. i believe i came in with it though… pain from other incarnations. and i chose parents who would offer me a similar level of pain to that which was unresolved within me.
something i am also noticing is the amount that i control things in my life. i don’t know whether i am more controlling than other people – it’s hard to compare. but i am aware that i am constantly shaping, manipulating and controlling my life… rather than enjoying the ride.
i think setting an intention about what we want in our lives is fine, but then we have to surrender to what happens.
and usually, whenever i get a whiff of the six monthly fallout then i start peddling like crazy, trying to prevent disaster… instead of just letting go and allowing everything to fall apart.
today, however, i am not peddling quite so hard… even though one of my closest relationships is threatened, my financial situation looks like it might freefall any second and i have a serious health complaint that isn’t going away. i am just being with the fear and allowing my life to fall apart if it needs to. i’m not holding on so tight.
what is making the difference is the work i did last night around 4am. i don’t sleep well anyway, and haven’t done for a while. often i wake around four and that’s when i do my best emotional work. last night was especially powerful, and thanks to EFT and the level of Presence emerging in me right now, i managed to be with and experience some of the devastation and annihilation that has lived under the surface of my consciousness all of my life.
the result was waking up in the morning feeling relaxed about my situation, feeling like i don’t have to control my world quite so much. and if everything falls apart… so be it.
what i believe is that the more i am able to feel and move through this pain, the less it needs to keep coming to the surface, wreaking havoc in every are of my life.
blessed be
january 18th 2010
Add a comment 03/02/2010
WHAT TO DO WITH OUR NEEDINESS?
in the previous blog i wrote about the visioning process i embarked on over new year with some friends. the process, however, has been continuing long after the five days we did together. and an archetype that emerged a few days ago, needing attention, is my inner child.
i’ve done a lot of work with her, over many years. i have done 20 years of therapy and workshops in everything imaginable, including inner child work. and so i was shocked to find that many of the childhood beliefs that have crippled me all my life are still as strong as ever. like ropes pulled tight around my body, keeping me tied up in knots and unable to stand firm.
what i am now realising is the extent to which i have avoided my own neediness by pretending it’s not there… and just being very very independent, all the time.
in my last relationship, which ended a few months ago, initially my partner was the needy one. and it was only six months into the relationship that my own neediness emerged. it took that long for me to trust him enough to allow it breathing space. unfortunately it was so overpowering for him that he ran for the hills.
i now see that what i was doing – and i suspect this is what happens in a lot of relationships – was unconsciously and invisibly handing over my inner child to my partner to look after. we force our partners – and sometimes friends as well as therapists – into the role of parent.
the question is: is it okay to do this? to hand over our inner children to our partners. and up until now my answer has been a definite NO. it’s my job to look after my inner child all the time.
however, i am now wondering whether never allowing myself to be needy is unrealistic. because underneath my apparent containment and independence is a huge bog of neediness! and my current enquiry about this issue is whether, in addition to nurturing my own inner child, it sometimes is okay to ask our partners/friends/therapists to take this role. and i think it is okay, AS LONG AS IT IS DONE CONSCIOUSLY. and that is the trick to keeping it healthy.
if it’s out in the open, talked about and consciously negotiated, i think it’s fine to be needy with our partners – and friends – some of the time. so it isn’t something covert that happens under ths surface – we’re not automatically and unconsciously assuming that our partners will take this role. instead we ask them to, in a contained way. and this can be deeply healing, without abuse or over dependence (codependence usually).
what’s more, by making the exchange conscious, we then keep the power. we can choose who we are inviting to occasionally parent us, and if someone isn’t being caring, then we take our inner child back straight bloody away. we keep the power, but without being totally independent all the time.
i think the other trick to not overwhelming partners with our neediness is to spread it around! to have several people in our lives who we can lean on a bit, in this way, who in turn lean on us a bit. i currently have half a dozen support partners that i regularly do co-counselling and EFT with, and having this network makes me feel supported and connected.
and if there is a lot of neediness there, there is always therapy and counselling. but i think it is essential to still keep the power firmly on our side of the court, and never just dump our inner child wholeheartedly on a therapist, and expect them to do all the work. because that just creates dependency.
which is a whole other blog! – whether or not it is okay to be dependent on a therapist, and whether it is part of the therapy process… but that will have to be for another day.
for now my journey is to consciously let go of being totally self contained and independent… it’s about learning to trust other people and let them in. and i think this means means taking full responsibility for my inner wellbeing, my inner child, while at the same sometimes inviting others to be there for me.
it’s a very emotive subject, but i would love to hear others’ experiences and opinions.
blessed be
january 10th 2010
Add a comment 03/02/2010
MY INNER IDLER
between christmas and new year i participated in and facilitated a five day visioning process with some friends. i started off with a schedule: envisioning what we want to manifest in our lives, looking at the beliefs that sabotage it, steps to moving towards our goals, support etc… it was common sense stuff really – ordinary life coaching.
and then the evening before we started, after a conversation with a friend, i realised that i needed to abandon my nice safe schedule, and instead to engage not so much with WHAT WE WANT as WHO WE ARE BECOMING… what parts of us are emerging from our shadow, and how do they want to show up in our lives?
although theoretically much scarier to flow with my inner guidance rather than a set programme, i felt totally at ease the whole way through… guided from one moment to the next. it was a beautiful experience to feel so held and guided by spirit.
the first unexpected part of my own shadow to show up was my inner idler.
i haven’t worked full time for someone else since i was 22… and even then it was only for about six months. so i have always seen myself as the kind of person who can’t or won’t buy into the cultural conditioning to give our lives away to someone else, doing a job.
however, what i learned over new year was the extent to which i am still driven by the belief that I HAVE TO BE PRODUCTIVE ALL THE TIME. the product i am focused on isn’t some widget or service produced or provided on someone else’s terms… the product i am focused on is my own growth and the awakening of consciousness in general.
however, the paradox is that this very belief, that i have to be productive all the time – working through my stuff, exploring pathways to spirit, stepping into the unknown, learning to be congruent, building supportive networks, stepping into my power and creativity… – is precisely what prevents me from awakening.
initially i was extremely resistant to embracing my inner idler. one of my housemates had gone away for christmas and left a pile of books destined for recycling, one of which was called: the idler. i’d heard of the magazine of the same name, and written it off in my mind as a bunch of privileged kids loafing around in ski resorts. so i didn’t even pick up the book at first.
but it kept winking at me from the pile, and so i started leafing through. and this was the first unexpected archetype to show up in my process. the premise of the book is that we have all been brainwashed since the onset of the industrial revolution into putting productivity first. i can really see this.
the book doesn’t explore how this shows up for spiritually inclined folk… but it’s easy to see how believing that i have to be productive has infected my spiritual journey.
the idler archetype is actually a deeply spiritual archetype – it’s about being focused in the present moment, instead of following a ‘to do’ list. when we are living from a mindset of ‘productivity first’, we are never truly creative. because everything we do – even so-called creative stuff – is still product-based. much of the artworld is testament to this. where as when you are living from a place of ease and choice, then true creativity can emerge.
the process we did over new year involved first identifying the subpersonalities or archetypes that we’re now ready to step into, imagining ourselves living with them integrated, and then looking at what beliefs stop us from doing this. why have these parts of ourselves been in the shadow all our lives? the chances are that there are some very painful beliefs keeping the archetypes firmly locked away. for example, with the idler, there is ‘if i am idle… i will be criticised and shamed’ and ‘… i won’t ever make enough money to live’ as well as a lot of fear.
it was painful unlocking these beliefs and emotions, although fortunately EFT is a relatively quick and effective tool for dissolving them.
and i was thrilled. i felt like i was on holiday all the time. i can just chill out. not be busy for once. it was heaven. and a couple of weeks later, i’m still very much appreciating and experiencing my inner idler. i don’t feel i HAVE to do things quite so much.
in fact in an idle moment, a few days later, i was watching a wayne dyer movie one afternoon. it was very affirming for me to hear him say: ‘we don’t attract what we want in our lives, we attract who we are.’ this deeply validated my choice to abandon my original schedule for the visioning process, and to focus on who we are becoming rather than what we want to get. it would never have occurred to me to engage with my inner idler… but i’m thrilled that she showed up!
blessed be
january 8th 2010
Add a comment 26/01/2010
CONTAINERS OF LOVE
i did EFT manically about eight years ago. i probably did three hours a day at one point. i was that desperate. and it really worked – or it seemed to. the problem was though that the feelings kept coming back. i hadn’t cleared them permanently.
going back to EFT now i am having more longterm success. and i think this is for two reasons. first, the technique was very new eight years ago, and neither the more sophisticated aspects of the process nor the internet manual were available. i hadn’t fully grasped the technique, and was tapping on very general feelings, like ‘i’m angry’ or ‘i’m sad’ rather than linking those feelings to specific events or situations. you have to do ‘i’m angry about my mother hitting me when i was seven’ rather than just ‘i’m angry’. the more specific you are about what you want to clear, the more effective the technique.
the second reason why i think i am having more permanent success with it now is that i am also using what i call a ‘container of love’.
emotional healing happens when we can feel our pain – the stuck energy or emotions – with a ‘container of love’, which might be another person, source or an inner aspect of ourselves. without this witnessing or holding, we can get identified with the feelings and endlessly go over the same territory, feeling the pain but never actually healing it. in fact, without this holding, we can even make matters worse, laying down an extra layer of trauma.
there are lots of different kinds of containers of love. people can play that role for you – for example a therapist, a lover or a friend. when parents soothe their children’s hurts they are being containers of love.
other useful containers of love are trees, rocks and nature in general. the trick is to connect with the tree or rock, and simultaneously feel your feelings.
alternatively you can be your own container of love in a couple of different ways. the first is if you have a strong inner parent – the psychological subpersonality which cares for our more vulnerable parts. if you grow up with nurturing parents you automatically develop a solid inner parent. for the rest of us… having an experience of being cared for, either by a therapist or someone else gradually builds up the inner parent. and then you can develop it for yourself.
another way that we can be containers of love for ourselves is by developing an inner observer. buddhists are often taught to connect with the inner observer, although i was taught by the shaman peter aziz. he just told me to look for the part of me which watches everything unfolding in my life with total detachment. and i found it i could, and it was helpful to have access to this place.
if you are being your own container of love, then you split your attention between the observer/ inner parent, and simultaniously feel the feelings.
if you are lucky enough to have contact with a spirit guide, that can be an amazing container of love. if you work with a deity then this can also wonderfully fulfill that function. and then the most powerful container of love is simply source energy itself, if you have good access to this. i may not have much else in my life but i do have an amazing connection with source.
the secret is always to feel your feelings and at the same time connect with your container of love. if anything, focus more on the container than the feelings… and the feelings will just tumble out in a relatively painless way. that has been my experience anyway.
when i get angry, for example, if i just express that anger without a container of love then i end up feeling shit. i am totally identified with the anger and although i might shout and scream and rage, nothing actually shifts. but by using a container of love, a loving witnessing presence, i move through the anger with grace. at times this has felt amazing – not so much like anger, as raw power. the kind of power i imagine a baby feels when she first starts screaming after coming out of the womb. it’s the power of being alive.
the same principle applies for all other feelings – fear, anxiety, disappointment, hatred, terror, sadness… – and the stronger the container, the more powerful the feelings that can be moved through and let go of.
i am just learning how EFT works best for me at the moment. and there are times when i feel so overwhelmed by feelings that i need a container of love to help dissolve them. the effect is pretty much instantaneous, and permanent.
the main difficulty is getting used to doing so many things at once: tapping on the endpoints of the meridians, naming the feelings, staying connected with the experience that triggered the feelings and held by a container of love.
sometimes i just do EFT without even naming the feelings of connecting with a situation: i just tap and feel my feelings and connect with source. and this in itself is very powerful.
essentially EFT releases old stuck emotion from the energetic pathways in our bodies. it is these clogged pathways that keep us stuck in our lives and bogged down in the past. the more we clear the emotional arteries the more we can flow with life. and in my experience, having a container of love, a witnessing presence, makes the process even more powerful.
blessed be
Add a comment 26/01/2010
KARMIC AMNESTY
a couple of days ago a friend of mine told me that the transformational spiritual work he is currently engaged with is apparently eliminating all of his karma.
what does it mean though, the k word? to me it means experiencing whatever we put out in the world. so if i steal a bicycle, then sooner or later – and nowadays it increasingly seems to be sooner – someone will nick something of mine, thereby giving me the opportunity to feel how it feels to be stolen from. and so eliminating all of a person’s karma means wiping the slate clean… from all the bicycles over all the lifetimes.
my intuitive sense and personal experience is that we are all heading towards karma-free living, and rapidly so.
AND WHEN THIS HAPPENS WE WILL ALL BE LIVING IN THE PRESENT MOMENT, TOTALLY FOCUSED ON WHATEVER WE ARE DOING, ALIGNED WITH THE DIVINE, AND FREE FROM THE TRAPPINGS OF PAIN FROM THE PAST.
this is my vision for myself and all of humanity.
something that is helping me enormously at the moment is EFT – Emotional Freedom Technique. it involves tapping on the end points of the 12 meridians, while acknowleding what’s going on emotionally. it is incredibly fast at dissolving stuck emotions, limiting beliefs, old trauma and painful memories. something that i love about it is that you can learn it at no cost – the technique is described in detail in a manual that can be downloaded free from www.emofree.com.
it’s something that i came across around eight years ago, and was one of the things that saved my life during a very dark time. since that time i have been focused on other things. however my interest has recently been rekindled through experimenting using it to dissolve limiting beliefs.
what shocked me a few weeks ago is that all the limiting beliefs i had 20 years ago are still firmly entrenched in my psyche, keeping me tied up in knots. however, EFT seems to be the magical formula for me to break these spells.
i have collapsed dozens of debilitating beliefs over the past six weeks. i feel like i’ve had this carcass, like a chicken carcass, embedded in my head, poking me in all sorts of painful places and making it impossible to see clearly. doing the EFT is literally smashing this whole carcass to smithereens, like smashing the bars of a prison, so that i can finally see out. the process dissolves the stuck emotions which keep these damaging beliefs in place, and the beliefs themselves then just collapse
now whether or not this is dissolving karma is an interesting question. i am sure most tradional spiritual teachings would give me a resounding no.
however, a lot of these beliefs originate from lifetimes prior to this one. ‘i am an outcast’, for example, goes back to being labelled as a witch and a whore, and then publicly hung.
i think dissolving these debilitating beliefs is actually eliminating karma.
because i think the ego is simply a basket of identities, and these identities are made up of beliefs. and so by dissolving the beliefs, we can literally dissolve our egos.
and the blessing of doing it this way is that it’s very gradual. it isn’t like eckhart tolle or byron katie, who suddenly had an awakening, which sounds pretty scary to me. this is a way of gradually dissolving the energetic blockages – and the beliefs they keep in place – which stop us from operating on a soul level and completely aligned with the divine.
it’s our egos – and the identities and beliefs which make them up – which prevent us from feeling part of the universe. and so surely dissolving our egos is the same as dissolving our karma….
and it’s possible to dissolve both the beliefs that say that ‘i’m bad for stealing a bicycle’ as well as ‘i deserve to have my bicycle stolen.’ it’s painful, just like karma is painful… but it’s pretty quick, compared to the traditional way of burning through karma, which takes lifetimes. and if you do the EFT with a loving witness – either a person or with a conscious connection with Source – then the pain is minimal amd the process very quick.
it’s such a relief to let go of this old stuff. suddenly i start to notice the birds singing and the light on the snow, and i am no longer trapped in the horrible tedious loop of my mind. i am free, engaged with what i am doing, in the present moment.
i think this is what 2012 is about – the awakening of consciousness. i think this is karma-free living: letting go of the past at a deep energetic level. I BELIEVE WE ARE ALL NOW BEING OFFERED AN ENERGETIC GET-OUT-OF-JAIL-FREE CARD – A UNIVERSAL KARMIC AMNESTY… AND IT’S OURS FOR THE TAKING.
blessed be
2 comments 08/01/2010
